just a little glitch, patch it up again

Title from 'Throwing Punches' by Page Hamilton.

The other day, I was wearing leather boots. I wear leather boots a lot--most of mine are old and beat-up and comfortable. These ones looked kind of new, because I'd buffed them up with Dubbin (it shines and waterproofs the leather) the night before.

Anyway, I was walking through a square in the city, and a protester threw tomato sauce all over my nice, clean, buffed-up leather boots and new jeans that for once in my life actually fit okay. Needless to say, I was slightly unhappy, and expressed myself vocally to this protester. Turns out they were vegetarians crusading for an end to animal slaughter.

Now, ignoring the fact that the grain and vegetable industries kill several hundred million tiny animals like field mice and rats with big harvesters every year (why don't vegetarians protest safer way of harvesting grain? I guess rats and mice aren't cute enough--though I personally am often worried by the thought of minced rat ending up in the wheat used to bake my bread,) I believe in eating meat. It's good for you, after all--in a different way to how broccoli and carrots are good for you, sure, but it's still good for you.

When I was younger and more idealistic, I thought I would become a vegetarian. I like almost all animals. Horses like me better when I smell herbivore than when I smell carnivore. Then... I met chickens.

My mum kept one or two chooks at various times in her life when she was a kid, little bantam hens and one rooster named Smedley von Sturdley. Now, I love bantam hens. They're not part of the meat or egg industry, although I guess you could use the hens for laying. They're mostly backyard pets. I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about all those grotesquely fat, blond chickens that will one day end up on your plate.

Look at the eyes of a meat industry chicken. (Yes, I'm including free-range in this. They're the same breed.) Now go watch Dawn of the Dead, and look at the eyes of the zombies. There's a distinct resemblance--shrewd, but dumb as a box of hammers.

Actually, now that I think of it, chickens are mean bitches.

Maybe a better example would be a meat industry cow. Again, look at the eyes of a cow, then at the eyes of a movie zombie from Shaun of the Dead or something. Same thing. Shrewd, but so, so stupid. They have all the personality of a hamburger on hooves. And unpleasant, too--cows can (and do) projectile shit when they run. Often they drool, piss, and shit at the same time. An entire herd of cows running around with every orifice leaking is a sight to behold. Especially at feeding time. If one cow sprays the five cows next to it with dung, none of them notice--they all just keep eating.

The current slaughter methods are pretty shitty, of course, and I would prefer it if all meat was free range and humanely killed, but frankly, if we didn't eat cattle, they would become extinct. If we turned them loose they'd just follow us around, waiting for us to go refill their feeding trough--still leaking, of course. There's only a couple of species of truly wild cattle left. They mostly live in Asia and their numbers are diminishing--animals like the kouprey and the gaur. There definitely aren't enough around to knock sense into our domestic steaks. Meat industry cattle have been bred for generations to have the intellect of your average rock, and to taste great when roasted with potato and onion.

I personally would rather not feel responsible for the end of a species, so I keep on eating cow.