i've got a bad, bad feeling...

Title from "Long Way to Happy" by Pink. Here's hoping that bad feeling is just paranoia on my part.

So in honour of the US election today, some people have been posting about what they would do if they were dictator. One of my favourites is up over at FHotD. This was originally posted in the comments there. For the record, I'm Australian, not American--these are my opinions only.

1. Legalise illegal drugs. People are gonna take them anyway, and a lot of them are no worse for someone than smoking. Plus, this way, the addicts who want help can seek it without having to worry about being arrested for drug possession or use (this happens a lot more than you think...) As well as that, most of the deaths and health issues caused by drugs like heroin, ecstacy, and crystal meth don't come from the drugs themselves; they come from the drugs being cut with all kinds of crap, from something as innocuous as flour to something like Ajax or oven cleaner. If the drugs are produced legally, quality control can be introduced, and suddenly we will have a lot fewer druggies in emergency rooms.

2. Legalise prostitution! It's legal here, recognised as an actual profession (you need a licence to own a brothel, but anyone over the age of 18 can become a sex worker if they want to--they just have to register as one.) This makes it a lot harder for people to be forced into prostitution, because of the regulations, stops people from cheating on welfare by making extra income through prostitution, and makes prostitutes do things like pay income tax.

3. Scrap the death penalty. It doesn't do shit, and if someone is wrongly convicted, it's just a little bit of a problem... Life in prison with hard labour, though, that I am all fuckin' for.

4. More stuff for prisoners to do in prison. Even if it's just TV. Seriously. I'm starting to apply for jobs in state facilities like prisons, I visited a prison yesterday, and things like that are godsends. Guards are outnumbered in prisons, frequently a hundred to one. The more time prisoners spend rotting their brains watching The Bold and the Beautiful or whatever, the less time they have to test their boundaries and make life difficult for everyone working with them. It's a great tool. Anything that lets the guards and other staff go home at the end of the day without some kind of injury is a fantastic tool.

5. Castration for ALL sex offenders, be they male or female, the first time they are convicted for sexual assault. (It can be chemical, if they'd prefer.) People (usually men--no offence, guys, I know most of your rock) frequently argue that rapists 'just can't control themselves' or some other bullshit. I say if that's the case, the only logical way to deal with rapists is to take away their ability to rape.

6. Before you sue someone--before you even see a lawyer--you must present yourself before a board of people deemed to be sensible, sane, and representative of the population, and explain who you are suing for what. They will then either approve or deny your suit. That burglar who tripped on some loose carpet while trying to break into a house and then sued the home owners, for instance--he'd be told to fuck off. Same as that person who's responsible for the 'CAUTION: CONTENTS IS HOT' labels seen on coffee cups.

7. Abstinence-only sex education is banned. Education on sex, including STDs and contraceptive methods, will be mandatory and will begin for all children at age 12. This way, people might stop breeding!

8. If you are caught protesting abortion at a clinic, you will be forced to pay what it costs to raise the average child to age 18--this is about $3.5 million. The money will be used by the government to fund the sterilisations of those deemed unfit to breed. You will also be sentenced to community service, in the form of handing out condoms on street corners. This will be a much more effective method of lowering the rate of abortion.

9. If you want to move overseas on a long-term or permanent basis, you have to learn some of their language. If you want to move to Australia or England or America from a non-English speaking country, you must learn enough English to get by either before getting here or shortly afterwards. Same deal for people in English-speaking countries who want to move away; you must learn to speak French or Japanese or German or whatever the language of the coutry you are moving to speaks before you go there or very quickly after you arrive. I'd say the same for travel, too, but that might be a bit much.

10. I don't know enough about American gun control laws or gun culture to speak much about it... but frankly, it seems like the people most likely to own a gun are the people who don't have the maturity or intelligence to safely use a microwave, much less a firearm. Something will be done about them when I am dictator.