Another Halloween photo, featuring my friends dressed as Monsterican Dream-era Lordi. From left to right, White, Kookaburra, Bear, Kelpie, and Magpie. Don't they look awesome?

oh dear

It's been a little while between posts, hasn't it? I'm afraid I'm currently in the middle of exam season at uni. This, fortunately, ends tomorrow after my Psychological Science exam (scheduled ridiculously early.) To entertain you, nonexistent readers... something I came up with a few days ago.


I saw, on a Twilight fanboard that shall remain unnamed for now, that there were girls--I am not making this up--who read Twilight, and then dumped their boyfriends for not being enough like Edward Cullen. Hence, boys, just in case you wind up dating a Twihard fan, this handy-dandy list:

How To Be Like Edward Cullen.

1. Start taking crystal meth.
No, I'm not kidding. This is the first and most important step. Get your hands on some ice and start taking it, NOW! This will induce the required Edwardian personality traits; i.e., paranoia, jealousy, and, of course, bizarro manic depression. Edward is, as you'll note in Twilight and Midnight Sun, constantly swinging between wanting to kill Bella and wanting to make babies with her. He also swoops from the heights of rapturous joy to the depths of darkest despair, often within a single paragraph. The side effects of anorexia, insomnia, and an utterly trashed immune system will also help you to create that skinny, pallid, vampire look the girls love. Crystal meth may give you fatal lung, kidney, and heart disorders, but it's the best possible way to start on the road to becoming the perfect Edward Cullen-style boyfriend.

2. Perfect your housebreaking skills.
If you can't already climb up drainpipes and pick locks on both windows and doors, now's the time to learn! One of the most romantic things Edward did was breaking into Bella's house before they started dating to watch her sleep. So, once you can effectively enter and leave a house without getting caught (it's best to practice this on your own house a few times--your family is much less likely to call the police if/when they catch you than a stranger's family is) simply pick some cute, pale girl you've never actually spoken to, find out her address, and get started! It's best to do this in summer, when the windows are more likely to be open. If she has flyscreen or security bars installed, you're shit out of luck--pick a new girl and try again.

3. Buy body glitter. Lots of it.
Edward Cullen sparkles in the sunlight. To achieve this effect, simply find a shade of body glitter that works well with your skintone--silver or white will probably be best if you want to truly imitate Edward's diamond-like shimmering--buy it in bulk, and smear it on yourself on every sunny day. Make sure to cover all skin that has a chance of being exposed--face, neck, shoulders, chest, hands, forearms, feet, and ankles for a start. If you plan on opening your shirt at any point, make sure to cover the whole of your torso. A full body wax will also help here; remember, Edward Cullen doesn't have anything as mortal or unsightly as body hair!

4. Steal pieces of your girlfriend's car whenever she mentions going somewhere.
Edward routinely steals the engine out of Bella's car when she wants to do something that doesn't directly involve him. You may need to brush up on your mechanical skills to do this, but if you've been diligently taking your crystal meth, the intense paranoia may well be all you need. If she wants to visit a male friend other than you--steal her engine! If she wants to take a daytrip to somewhere without you--steal her engine! If she wants to visit a family member--steal her engine! See how easy it is? Removing every possible vestige of her independance is very much something Edward Cullen would do.

5. Invest in a chastity belt.
Edward doesn't have sex with Bella until they're married. Therefore, neither can you. The chastity belt may help. Good luck.

i've got a bad, bad feeling...

Title from "Long Way to Happy" by Pink. Here's hoping that bad feeling is just paranoia on my part.

So in honour of the US election today, some people have been posting about what they would do if they were dictator. One of my favourites is up over at FHotD. This was originally posted in the comments there. For the record, I'm Australian, not American--these are my opinions only.

1. Legalise illegal drugs. People are gonna take them anyway, and a lot of them are no worse for someone than smoking. Plus, this way, the addicts who want help can seek it without having to worry about being arrested for drug possession or use (this happens a lot more than you think...) As well as that, most of the deaths and health issues caused by drugs like heroin, ecstacy, and crystal meth don't come from the drugs themselves; they come from the drugs being cut with all kinds of crap, from something as innocuous as flour to something like Ajax or oven cleaner. If the drugs are produced legally, quality control can be introduced, and suddenly we will have a lot fewer druggies in emergency rooms.

2. Legalise prostitution! It's legal here, recognised as an actual profession (you need a licence to own a brothel, but anyone over the age of 18 can become a sex worker if they want to--they just have to register as one.) This makes it a lot harder for people to be forced into prostitution, because of the regulations, stops people from cheating on welfare by making extra income through prostitution, and makes prostitutes do things like pay income tax.

3. Scrap the death penalty. It doesn't do shit, and if someone is wrongly convicted, it's just a little bit of a problem... Life in prison with hard labour, though, that I am all fuckin' for.

4. More stuff for prisoners to do in prison. Even if it's just TV. Seriously. I'm starting to apply for jobs in state facilities like prisons, I visited a prison yesterday, and things like that are godsends. Guards are outnumbered in prisons, frequently a hundred to one. The more time prisoners spend rotting their brains watching The Bold and the Beautiful or whatever, the less time they have to test their boundaries and make life difficult for everyone working with them. It's a great tool. Anything that lets the guards and other staff go home at the end of the day without some kind of injury is a fantastic tool.

5. Castration for ALL sex offenders, be they male or female, the first time they are convicted for sexual assault. (It can be chemical, if they'd prefer.) People (usually men--no offence, guys, I know most of your rock) frequently argue that rapists 'just can't control themselves' or some other bullshit. I say if that's the case, the only logical way to deal with rapists is to take away their ability to rape.

6. Before you sue someone--before you even see a lawyer--you must present yourself before a board of people deemed to be sensible, sane, and representative of the population, and explain who you are suing for what. They will then either approve or deny your suit. That burglar who tripped on some loose carpet while trying to break into a house and then sued the home owners, for instance--he'd be told to fuck off. Same as that person who's responsible for the 'CAUTION: CONTENTS IS HOT' labels seen on coffee cups.

7. Abstinence-only sex education is banned. Education on sex, including STDs and contraceptive methods, will be mandatory and will begin for all children at age 12. This way, people might stop breeding!

8. If you are caught protesting abortion at a clinic, you will be forced to pay what it costs to raise the average child to age 18--this is about $3.5 million. The money will be used by the government to fund the sterilisations of those deemed unfit to breed. You will also be sentenced to community service, in the form of handing out condoms on street corners. This will be a much more effective method of lowering the rate of abortion.

9. If you want to move overseas on a long-term or permanent basis, you have to learn some of their language. If you want to move to Australia or England or America from a non-English speaking country, you must learn enough English to get by either before getting here or shortly afterwards. Same deal for people in English-speaking countries who want to move away; you must learn to speak French or Japanese or German or whatever the language of the coutry you are moving to speaks before you go there or very quickly after you arrive. I'd say the same for travel, too, but that might be a bit much.

10. I don't know enough about American gun control laws or gun culture to speak much about it... but frankly, it seems like the people most likely to own a gun are the people who don't have the maturity or intelligence to safely use a microwave, much less a firearm. Something will be done about them when I am dictator.

the rogue's gallery

The first of what will hopefully be several Halloween photos. This was from the second night, when we went collectively as Batman villains. Let's see... I don't have a blog moniker for Harvey Dent/Two-Face there on the far left, but there's Genet as Catwoman, Staffy under the Joker's Goon mask, and a guy whose blog moniker is tentatively Bear as Mistah J himself. By process of elimination I'm sure you can work out that I'm the Poison Ivy at the back there; as one of the tallest unless Curt is wearing platforms, I get relegated to the back whenever it's standing room only.

vampires and werewolves and zombies, oh my

Another choice Halloween quote. All three nights, there were people who wanted to take photos with us (a fair few of my friends are professional costumers.) This is from a mother who took photos of her children with us last night.

"Stop picking your nose, Spiderman."

Pictures coming sooner or later... hopefully sooner.

quote of the day

On watching the music video for 'Hard Rock Hallelujah' by Lordi:

"It's nice to know that monsters are too busy changing the status quo in
highschools to destroy us all."

halloween

It's the last week of university! I am very excited. After this, we have a week off to study, then two weeks of exams. To celebrate the end of my first year, I am going to three halloween parties. Photos will come eventually.

In the mean time, to compensate for my very lax posting schedule, have a picture of the best wedding cake ever:

Isn't it just awesome? Double-click to get a better picture of the details.

fever dreams

Snippet from an MSN conversation, demonstrating exactly how weird my brain can be, especially when I'm sick. Background: Pilot (the friend who wants to be a pilot, yes, that would be her) is having issues with finding a flight school.

Pilot: I HAVE NO FUTURE.
Emele: why do you have no future?
Pilot: Mrf.
Emele: Tell me :(
Pilot: I just want to be a pilot ;_;
Emele: You should be a pirate <3
Emele: ...what the hell, brain
Emele: That should've come out 'You will be a pilot <3'
Pilot: ...
Pilot: ...::loled:: XD
Emele: xD At least I made you smile?
Pilot: Yes. <3

the greed gene

The last week or two has been lousy. First I was hospitalised for a bit because of that stupid fever (and am still pretty unwell, but recovering) and then my grandmother was hospitalised, which led to much musing.

The greed gene is what my grandmother claims put her in hospital the other day. She's very, very elderly--exact numbers escape us, since she doesn't have a birth certificate and no longer remembers, but the minimum possibility is 96--and her digestive system is rooted. She basically can't eat anything more than a really light meal because otherwise things go... haywire. This doesn't bother her because she doesn't get hungry very often anyway, apparently another side effect of being old. (Side note: she is so thin. All the women in my maternal family have huuuuge stomachs, asses, and thighs, something they've passed on to me, but because she simply doesn't eat very often. Possibly because she is powered by the souls of the damned and no longer requires mortal indulgences like food. As a result, she has the figure of a mummified supermodel -jealous.- I did have a point. What was my point? Umm...)

Anyway, she went over to my aunt Valerie's place for dinner the other night, and partook in an enormous roast, because Val's two surviving children, her three surviving children-in-law, and her five grandchildren were also persent and Val had to stuff all their faces too. She ate a single cut of roast beef. Usually that would be enough for her. If she was in her house, where cuts of meat are basically all she has because anything else would just rot before she ate it, that's all she would have eaten. But because there was other food there... she felt compelled to eat a second cut of meat. And then a third. And then four roast potatoes, three pieces of roast pumpkins, a roast parsnip, a metric crapton of green salad (mostly cherry tomatos and fetta cheese, apparently) and seven glasses of very strong red wine. And then she had dessert (suffice it to say, there was at least three kinds of cake, and she tried all of them at least once and a half. And a loooot of coffee.)

What I'm trying to say is, my grandmother literally ate herself into the hospital. She's out now, and fine, and insisting it was the fault of the 'greed gene'.

I'm starting to seriously believe this 'greed gene' because to date, no less than sixteen members of my maternal family (of both genders) have been diagnosed with either binge eating disorder or an EDNOS which resembled binge eating disorder very closely except they weren't overweight and therefore can't have BED, proving once and for all that some psychologists are fucking hacks and how did these people pass uni anyway? Most of these were my cousins or second cousins, but we strongly suspect my aunts, mother, and indeed grandmother have BED or an EDNOS or whatever it is--they've just never been tested for it because the youngest of them is over fifty and they can't be bothered with that fancy psychological stuff, and what are you doing wasting your life in university Emele, you could be married by now, you're going to end up as a mad spinster--sorry. The last family reunion was hell.

So--genetic links to body type? Yes, duh, every woman in my maternal family has the exact same body shape as I do from the nipples down. Genetic links to binge eating disorder? Entirely possible, except no one's ever studied it (because clearly people who eat a lot MUST be fat as hell and therefore lazy and disgusting and bad people who aren't fit to raise children and don't need treatment because it's all their own fault and besides I don't want them to come in because then they will be FAT AT ME--sorry again. Umm.) I believe it is not only possible but probable, since they've proven genetic links to things like metabolism and effectiveness of certain diets and all kinds of other foody things you can find if you know what to Google.

Further things for consideration: a couple days ago, this study was published. Basically, genetic quirks make it possible for someone to develop a classical addiction to food, same as someone can get addicted to smoking or drinking or illicit drugs. (Does this sound like basically the definition of binge-eating disorder?) Teal dear: some people have less dopamine receptors or poor dopamine reuptake in the brain, and don't get as much of a dopamine (i.e. pleasure) kick from food. They enjoy eating less than other people, and so end up eating more and more food (possibly becoming overweight, depending on their metabolic quirks) to keep their dopamine levels as standard. Dopamine levels are passed down genetically. The titular greed gene appears to be passed down genetically.

Another possibility; several members of my maternal family also have major depression, including my mother and myself, one of the potential symptoms of which is overeating (theoretically this is also for the dopamine kick, but they haven't really looked into this in chronic depression cases to the best of my knowledge.)

siiiiiiiick

I have dengue fever. Don't expect a post for a little while.